A Mother's Prayer

This prayer was written by Sucirani on her son’s birthday in 2001.

Dear Sri Sri Radha Gopinatha,

Although I know that my son is not really my son, but your eternal servant, I have some special affection, which I think is very natural.

Today is the anniversary of the day that he took birth in his present body, and by your mercy his life has taken an auspicious direction. He has received the greatest opportunity available to a human being - the knowledge that our real existence is with You in Goloka Vrndavana - far beyond this material plane; and knowledge of the process for reawakening that relationship.

This is certainly a rare and special gift that You have given him, and now my prayer is that You always continue to help him to make progress on that path. The material energy is very strong, and binds us here in so many gross and subtle ways. We constantly remain in need of Your special mercy, because we all have a long way to go to really develop pure love for You. So if a mother's prayer has any value, please bless him that he may quickly develop realisation of the difference between mundane and spiritual life. I know you will not force his choice, that will always be up to him, but You can certainly help him to gain realisations of the consequences of following these two paths. I am confident that, after gaining some personal realisation, he will be wise enough to choose the path of eternal bliss in preference to gaining insignificant temporary happiness in this world.

If You help him to come back to You, then maybe at the end of his life he will also remember his poor mother, like Dhruva Maharaja, and then I will also have a chance to come back to Your abode!

Please be kind and hear this prayer of Your insignificant aspiring dasi,
Suci Rani

Brazil Prayer

October 7-9, 2003
Brazil

Dear Gopinath,

Somehow You have brought us in an extraordinary way, to an extraordinary place. Everything is strange and it is so far away from Gopinath Dham, and Vrindavan Dham. Yet You are very tangibly here with us, and You clearly have a purpose.

I feel myself the recipient of a flood of causeless mercy. It is so obviously way, way beyond anything I “deserve” that it is hard to fathom. But I am slowly beginning to understand that it is because You want to display how You love Your devotees—even if they are of very small and shaky faith and it is Your pleasure to take care of them. This message is clearly not meant for me alone, but for everyone else who is “tuned in” to our journey.

Therefore, dear Gopinath, please help me to express some of what I am experiencing and learning through this time, so that it serves Your greater purpose of inspiring and encouraging all of us.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. . . .

Love,
Suci

Reflections On Abadiania

It is time for me to write something about my experience at Abadiania, and as per my usual habit of mind, it is difficult to get started. So time for a bit of free writing.

I guess I feel that to some extent I failed to learn all that I could have. I became very aware of the shortfall in my faith and practical application of the philosophy that I theoretically accept. It is a painful realization, and I don’t do so well with it. Because I find myself still making the same faithless mistakes even now, I wonder what I have actually been able to gain from the experience. Has anything stuck? Can I say, “Yes this is my realization gained?” Certainly there must be something, maybe this is the time to find it!

This is actually a service, because there are so many devotees who have been thinking about us, praying for us, and feeling part of our journey, and whatever I have experienced is meant for their benefit also. I have to find a way of sharing something that is meant for them.

I am being substantially carried by Mataji’s strength of realization and find that I am not yet making it my own strongly enough. So I feel like whatever I write at this stage will be more of a negative expression of my failure to grow as much as I should have. How can this help anyone?  Is there something positive gained, however small? Even something small is real, and it is only my pride that makes me think it should be more. . . .

A partially completed letter from Sucirani regarding her thoughts and experiences while in Brazil:

One thing is very clear—Gopinatha is not taking any less care of me because I have not lived up to my expectation of what I should have realized by now. I feel that He is trying to show me that His love and care really is unconditional, and it is my own mind that keeps trying to tell me that He is not going to continue to take care of me because I am not good enough, or don’t deserve it or something. This is very important to recognize. Especially the fact that the mind is such a rascal, and not to be given nearly as much rope as I give it.

So what shall I write?

Dear friends,

We have now moved on from Brazil, and are on the next leg of our journey heading towards Vrndavana. I am aware that I have not been communicating much, and I hope you will excuse me. Now I want to try to share something of what I experienced in Abadiania.

It was an intense and difficult experience from the beginning—we arrived on Thursday after a very tiring trip from Dallas via Chicago and Sao Paulo. In addition we had not slept well since leaving Perth, especially after arriving in the US, which is practially the opposite side of the clock to Perth. At midnight, our bodies still thought it was midday!

When we finally drove into Abadiania, exhausted, jet-lagged and physically very uncomfortable, all I wanted to do was to find somewhere to lie down and rest. There was a little delay as we met Sridhar Swami as soon as we arrived, and sat with him for a little time. Mataji was talking to him, and getting some information about the place and what it happening here, and I was just squirming, wondering when I would be able to lie down. After a while we went to our “Pousada” or guest house—which was a simple place run by a very simple and friendly couple. It was almost like a place you would find in India—pretty basic, dimly lit, poky “wet” bathroom, and  absolutely nothing aesthetically pleasing about the “décor”. The curtains had child angels and harps all over them, and the sheets on the bed were covered with ugly looking men on motorcycles!

I immediately “crashed” on one of the beds, but Mataji got busy setting up Gopinatha’s altar on a big table that the owners kindly brought in for the purpose. Later Giridhari Prabhu and Sridhar Maharaja came in and were wonderstruck by the altar and all the little figures, and Mataji showed them photos of her dioramas, and what we are trying to do at Gopinatha Dham.

Thankfully there were other devotees staying there at that time, and they immediately cooked us some wonderful prasadam, which we gratefully received. Another austerity of this kind of travel is often long gaps between proper meals. I felt a little better after some rest and prasadam, but still I was so exhausted that I felt more or less like a zombie.

The following are excerpts relating to before, during and after Sucirani’s “surgery”in Brazil:

* * * *
I felt myself sinking and found in that the impetus to cry out to Gopinath for help: “I know it is faithless—especially in the face of so much care You are showing for me every day but I just don’t know how to let go of this fear!”

Then, in the course of writing, it came to me that I have to accept the fear as His mercy also. In fact, I realized that it is better if the fear is present now, because the surgery tomorrow is actually meant for the fearful part, so it would not be so effective if it was not fully present!

When I recognized that I simply had to sit with the fear now, and not try to get rid of it—or blame myself for its presence—it became much easier. My mind and heart became calm, and I felt ready to go through the experience—whatever it may hold.

* * * *

I felt I was not here just for myself. I reflected on the fact that if Gopinath wants to heal me, it is for further service He wants me to do in this body. I prayed that I really want the obstructions to that service that are the anarthas in my heart—the fearfulness, the selfishness that is more intent on taking rather than giving, and the emotional blockage that does not allow His love to flow on through me to others—to be removed by this psychic surgery.

I started to remember all the devotees in Perth. In an attempt to feel that my experience here is meant to benefit everyone, I brought all the devotees I could think of into my mind, one by one, all the Perth temple and community devotees, the devotees in Christchurch, Banke, Ananda, and everyone else I know.

* * * *

I feel very slow, very open and very grateful. My mind and intelligence are quite subdued and still in the background. I don’t know what this all means, but gradually I am learning to trust that Gopinath knows, and that is enough.

Suci's New Zealand Diary (Edited)

Waiting to see if He wants to cure this body. . .

The moment I fall away from the lotus feet of Sri Guru or forget them, I certainly fall away from the truth. As soon as I fall away from the lotus feet of Sri Guru, I find myself encompassed by innumerable wants. I run in a hurry for my bath. I become busy for preventing a cold. I run after all other occupations different in the service of Sri Gurudeva.

It is the lotus feet of Sri Gurudeva that alone protects me constantly from all this attachment to other objects than the truth.

If I do not remember the lotus feet of my Guru at the beginning of every new year, new month, new day, and every new moment, then I am sure to fall into far greater inconveniences. If I do not do so, I want to dress myself in the garb of the Guru. I become liable to the bad desire of seeking to be worshipped by other people as guru. It is this which constitutes addiction to other things than the truth.

In your new book—find some nice pictures—and make the front section called “My prayers to Gopinatha—New Zealand, waiting to see if He wants to cure this body”.

Daily as you wake up—write a prayer—in whatever state of mind you wake—good, bad, mixed, turn it into a “conversation” or, a prayer. Like Bhaktivinode, but on your own level!

Use the back half of the book, or the book you were already using, to write your way through any mental anxieties that may occur, or to write comments. Think that the second part is as if for Ananda and others to allow them insights into your real & personal struggles & ups & downs. Don’t be idealizing, just be your real self of the moment—(not “on stage”), but personal so that you can share the struggles & doubts etc. with others. And if there are no difficulties then this part is for working on yourself—keeping on track even if things seem to be smooth & breezy. But the first part is essential to do daily—this one is when you feel like it! The first one is the main one.

Dear Gopinatha—as I wake up, I think of you, and a prayer comes into my mind.
For many countless lives I’ve come into this world, and gone my own way. Perhaps in some I thought of You in some way but prayed to You seeking something other than Your service. Now I lie here wishing that You please make it very easy for me to understand You and find You.

Please allow me to see that all the difficulty and confusion that I experience is due to my past activities and choices, and not to the fact that You do not want to help me. Allow me to have very very simple faith, like a child, who knows that their parents will always help them.

But for the rest of this life, I do so much wish that, unlike a small child who selfishly expects care & attention only for their own desires and requirements, that I can find the confidence and gratitude which will allow me to trust & serve You. I want to really learn the natural art of loving You and I want to feel so safe & confident of Your loving affection, that no fears or doubts exist in my heart.

This may be a lot to ask—but it is a fact that whatever I have asked & wished for in each of thousands of lives was given to me by You, so why would I think that now, when I most feel the need of Your mercy, would You withhold it?

My last concern then becomes, how can I get the capacity to recognize Your love and Your reciprocation with me, yet here also I know that such a faculty is naturally mine—it is part of my nature to do so, and artificially I have become diverted towards a host of other things. So kindly help me to return myself to You. This life is meant only for this—I want to offer my heart to this endeavour.

You may not, or, I may not, see immediate changes in me, for it has been an enormous length of time that I have acted unnaturally without wishing primarily to please You, so kindly allow me and kindly You be patient with me. I really want to do this now. If You will help me, I would be so grateful and offer my help to others whom You may ask me to assist in also doing this.

Gopinatha somehow I know You are already giving me what I am asking here, but my mind is asking me to ask You. Please allow me to keep on asking to remember and accept someone as fallen as I.

This is from me & Suci. . . .

4/7/03

First morning in Tauranga:

This morning I have woken up not feeling anything deep. My dreams were full of trivial distractions—computer games & shopping for clothes! How has my mind run to such shallow and non-devotional things at such a serious time?

I think because I have avoided You for so long—and also avoided my own fears & feelings—my mind is serving that tendency by presenting unlimited distractions.

But dear Gopinatha, now I don’t want to trust this foolish mind any more. Thank You for showing me, again & again, just how foolish it is! Please help me to now trust You—more & more. And also to recognise how You are helping me.

I don’t know what today will bring, but whatever happens, it will only be valuable if I can keep my faith in You and nothing else. Since I am far from being able to do this, I need and expect so much help from You.
There is a quote on the wall here—it is very nice:

“We have to give up this body. That’s a fact. But this person who has understood Krsna, he is not coming back again to accept another material body. Tyaktva deham punar janma naiti [Bg. 4.9]. Mam eti. If he does not take birth again, so does he become zero? Sunyavadi? No. Mam eti: “He enters into My family.” Krsna’s family. . . Krsna in Vrindavan has got a great family. He has got His father. He has got His mother, mother Yasoda, Nanda Maharaja. He has got so many friends, hundreds and thousands—boyfriends, girlfriends. The trees, the plants, the flowers, the fruits, the land, the water, the cows, the calves—He is surrounded by a great family. He is not a single person. . . . And whenever there is person, there is associates, there is family, there is exchange of love. That is Krsna consciousness.
So this Krsna consciousness movement means to become trained up sufficiently how to enter Krsna's great family.”        

—Dallas, arrival address, 3.3.1975

Oh, Gopinatha—even though I am so shallow & weak, I want this more than anything else. Please help me to become “sufficiently trained up” to enter Your great family. However long my life is to be—this is its only real purpose.

love, Suci

Day 2        5/7/03

Dear Gopinatha,

I have woken up with a dawning sense that I am “blocking out” my fears, rather than dealing with them by taking shelter of You.

This is such a deeply ingrained coping mechanism of mine, that I don’t know how to change it. But I don’t like it anymore—it makes me feel “unreal”, and I become vague and dull and cannot access a real sense of relationship with You.

Can You help me out of this predicament? Of course You can—You can do anything, but I worry because some part of it must depend on me—at least I must be willing to change.

Yesterday I read:

“A great, wonderful spiritual relationship is found between the spiritually perfect living entities and Krsnacandra, who is the source of spiritual knowledge. This relationship is called priti, or love. This love is concomitant with the creation of the living entities, so it is in the living entities’ inherent nature. If there is no independence in this relationship, however, there is no possibility of the living entities attaining higher rasas. Therefore Sri Krsna gives the living entities the power to independently discriminate between proper and improper action, and He awards them the fruits of their independent activities.”

—Krsna Samhita

For so long, I have misused that independence—now gradually I am becoming aware of the possibility of returning to Your loving shelter. But I am so lacking in qualification—so attached to my present conceptions—how will I approach You in this condition? Only by the help You are offering me out of Your own pure kindness.

Day 3         6/7/03

Dear Gopinatha,

Today I woke up with a little feeling of hope. I thought that instead of asking You for something, or trying to pray from my side, I would rather try to quieten my mind & see if something comes through from You.

So I have been trying to chant japa—and I even read a few verses from “Vraja-niti-cintamani”, but soon I started to feel sleepy & dull. Such a wretched condition! I feel like I’m pinned down under a mountain of ignorance.

I keep dozing off and waking up all disoriented. This room is not very conducive, but I am stuck here for the moment. I would like to be able to access a helpless cry & plead for Your mercy—but my heart feels vacant & nothing genuine or sincere is coming.

Are you helping me, even in this condition? You must be—I don’t feel abandoned, just dull & covered. So I will keep waiting for Your mercy—in whatever form you will give it today. I’m sorry this is all I can say.
                    love, Suci

Day 4        7/7/03

Since I was quite unable to write anything this morning, this will become an evening prayer. Very late in the day you gave me the required inspiration that brought about a change of mood. I am sorry that begin to lose heart so quickly—there is so much I need to learn, and when I can feel You are training me, it is very heartening. But when I feel like I have lost the connection—I immediately feel like nothing is making sense. Perhaps that is not bad, because the growing sense of urgency to get back sometimes helps me to cross obstacles I would otherwise tend to ignore. I know this is all part of Your training, but perhaps it is not good to be too impatient. But I think it may not be good to be too patient also—there is only a fine line between patience and complacency.

Right now I am feeling grateful—but will I do any better tomorrow? Please help me Gopinatha—I think there is no time to waste and I so much want to keep moving forward.

love, Suci

Day 5            8/7/03

Dear Gopinatha,
Today I wanted to wake a little earlier, but ended up oversleeping instead. Now I feel thick & dull. I don’t know what to say to You, but instead of avoiding writing like yesterday, I thought I would just start writing anyway. At least I should make the attempt. Mataji said I should ask how I am feeling and then express it to You—I think I have to learn to do that in all circumstances. Oh Lord, I am so unqualified for what I want that it is almost absurd. The only hope is that it is not dependent on any qualification, because You can give whatever You like to whomever You like. It’s up to You. So maybe if I keep appealing to You, You will one day become merciful even to me.

So here I am, a tiny little foolish lost soul—without any capacity to follow any of Your instructions. You say, “Just think of Me & become My devotee”—but I can’t stretch my mind beyond concerns for my own mind & body! But I wish I could just think of You. I wish I could be Your very nice & loving devotee, with no other thought than what is pleasing to You.

Gopinatha—I have just thought of something I need to ask You. If my skepticism about this healer is not well-founded, can You please help me to get the right understanding and attitude. By myself I am at the mercy of Trnavarta—my intelligence only knows how to argue, and that obscures my vision of You. Only You can kill this demon & reveal Yourself. So if it is really You working through him—can You please make this clear to me. I cannot see by my own capacity. So today I will try not to judge anything by my own means, and if You like You can give me a better way of seeing it.

I think that I need longer in this body to get more purified in order to approach You strongly at the end of life. But You know best, and it is in Your hands. . .
                        
love, Suci

Day 6            9/7/03

Dear Gopinatha,

This morning I have woken up really early (3:30) to try and give myself enough time to work on opening up my heart to You.

Mataji has pointed to a cause of constriction—that my thinking is cowardly. My first response to hearing this was a strong desire to face this pitfall of mine & try as hard as I can to work on it. But this morning I am faced with an enormous reluctance to write—or rather, a tension between opposing forces—wanting to open up, and wanting to keep a lid on things I don’t know how to deal with. Ambivalence—another great obstacle for sixes.

I guess I fear that no matter how hard I try it’s not going to work. And surely it is true that I can’t expect some instant major breakthrough. But Mataji stressed that it is the trying that is important. I guess by continuing to try, gradual improvement will come. Somehow this idea that success means sudden breakthrough is a conception I need to change. Perhaps it is the same problem with my attitude toward the healer—I want to measure his effectiveness by seeing instant miracles—but maybe it doesn’t work like that.

Oh, Gopinatha—I have such ambivalent feelings about these healing sessions! Of course I am frightened of this disease and of course I am suppressing the fear—I don’t know what else to do with it. I have to keep functioning. For a while I was wallowing in worry, then I kind of put it aside to get on with day to day life. That was also at Mataji’s suggestion. And it was also difficult. But it seems that there must be a better alternative—neither wallowing, nor suppressing—but dealing with it “bravely”. That can only be done by learning to trust You. If I know how to live in the reality of Your protection, only then will I be able to face things squarely, and not fear being overwhelmed by fear. I have to learn how to deal with fear—my problem is that I fear fear. I don’t want to accept that fear and pain etc., are part of “nature”, but this is what Mataji has pointed out as cowardly thinking. Can I really learn to face things as they come?

I don’t feel I have made much headway in what I have written so far, Gopinatha—I am still standing outside the door on the threshold & not really entering the problem area. I’m not really talking to You, either. I guess I doubt whether I can really change. . .

•    Why do I think like that?
•    Because whatever I do, my basic conditional nature seems to keep asserting itself in the same way.
•    Maybe you can change the way you respond to those conditional tendencies.
•    How?
•    I don’t know, but Mataji says you have to try.
•    I don’t mind trying, but where do I start?
•    At least think that it may be possible to modify in some way—and especially try to use all situations to relate to Gopinatha.
•    I think I am trying to do that already.
•    So keep going.
•    Yeah, I guess when I get stuck I have to be reminded.
•    Can you remind yourself, rather than depending on someone else to remind you?
•    I don’t seem to be able to. I mean I try to, but my “reminders” are hollow, and don’t have the potency to penetrate through the problem. Mataji can cut through to the heart of the matter, and from time to time I definitely need that.
•    Anyway you should try to move forward on the basis of what she tells you—so she doesn’t have to keep reminding you of the same thing.
•    Yes, I would like to do that. Certainly she has much more to give me on much higher levels than this, and if I want that, I have to move on from here. I just don’t really know how to.
•    Gopinatha will help you.
•    Jai Gopinatha!

Day 7            10/7/03

This morning I woke up and prayed to You by singing the whole Gopinatha song. Everything is there—it seemed like enough. Of course those are the sentiments of Bhaktivinode Thakura (on our behalf) but to whatever extent I can relate to them, I try to associate myself with such feelings. I did notice, though, that if I really say to You “krpa asi dhori, bandhana chediya” [“Take up Your sword of mercy and cut my bonds”] I had better not try to hold tight to material attachments at the same time. So that is very hard. But I got a little glimpse of how all material situations are bound to reverse—because they are relative, & so they have a different meaning in a different context, and the nature of the material energy is that the context is always shifting. So there is no stability in taking shelter of anything material. So it is essential to be able to discriminate and also to be aware of where I am taking shelter. Where I am placing my hope for happiness and comfort! Till now I am strongly fixed in trying to find shelter within matter. But I am becoming aware of the futility of this, and now I want to find shelter in a fully spiritual life—in the service of those who eternally care for nothing other than Your pleasure. But I have so little access to that—how will I become so attracted that everything else, including my own body & mind, have no value for me? Gopinatha, only if You are kind enough to expose me to the attractiveness of that realm.

Yesterday Mataji reminded me that You take pleasure in giving your aspiring devotees more than they know how to ask for. Dare I hope that You also want to do this for me? I can only hope against hope, because I can’t forget how unfit I am—Oh dear Gopinatha—please help this lost little soul!
                    love, Suci

Day 8        11/7/03

Dear Gopinatha,
    
The day is almost over and I have been all caught up in “outward” things. It has made me realise that if I want my consciousness to keep going deeper, it is essential to take time to stop, slow down, read, reflect & pray.

But I think that I also need to be able to go through times when external demands predominate, without losing the thread of internal focus—that will also require so much practice, but I am feeling more like I NEED that now—so You will surely help.

Tonight I am feeling grateful that You are guiding me through this period in a way that will make this trip very valuable & helpful. In little ways I feel myself reacting differently—a little less uptight—a little more conscious of Your gentle guidance—and more appreciation of what Mataji is trying to get me to taste by urging me to write like this.

Please help me to hold on to these gains & to keep trying more, as I start to turn homewards again.

love, Suci

Day 9         12/7/03

Dear Gopinatha,

Different thoughts are drifting through my mind and I don’t know what to write. But I sense that this exercise is not for writing down.

Something I have already thought, but for going beyond that to discover feelings etc. that I don’t normally access. And the less I have a preconceived idea of what I want to express to You, the more likely I am to access something valuable. That must mean that the mind is blocking, rather than facilitating my capacity to approach You with an open heart.

That reminds me of a passage I have been reading and re-reading in Krsna Samhita. Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura explains that there are three things that make up a human being: the soul; the indication of spirit (or the subtle body); and the gross body made of matter. Then he says that the grosser ones cover those that are more subtle. So the gross body covers the subtle body, and the subtle body covers the soul. So as long as the consciousness is turned towards the gross & subtle levels, the souls cannot be perceived. That is my predicament because I identify so strongly with my mind (and body too of course). But whenever the consciousness, somehow or other, becomes absorbed in You—by hearing about You or hearing Your instructions, there is some relief from the mental platform, and the possibility of approaching You opens up.  

I feel as if the work I am trying to do now, by Your kind & loving arrangement, is helping me to turn back to You as often as I turn away. And since You are so much more pleasing to the heart than anything else, gradually I hope to increase the former & reduce the latter.

But right now, being away from my normal routine life, it is easier, and I know it is a gift to encourage me, and not yet a level that is mine. But it is very encouraging, and I do want to.

Praying for Your help & guidance at each step—even though You are already giving it, for me to recognise it and be conscious of You, I need to keep praying and writing. Please help me to keep moving forward.

love, Suci

Day  10     

Dear Gopinatha,

Today I started my journey (homeward)—back to to Sri Gopinatha Dham. I have woken up feeling hopeful—some swelling has gone down a little, and I am hoping it is an indication that improvement is coming as Antonio has predicted.

But more than that, I am feeling eager to return to serve You there—in my heart I long to play a role in developing that project for Your pleasure, and for giving others a taste of Vrindavan mood. Although as Mataji said, maintenance activities don’t seem as dynamic as creative ones, it depends on the mood of service. I am realising that there is plenty of scope for loving reciprocation if I can consciously offer whatever I do to You. And why not? You are the undisputed source of all the inspiration and arrangements for unfolding that project and I am so fortunate to be a part of it.

If I only have short time left in this world, I want to spend it in lovingly offering whatever I can to You. And if I have a longer time, it is still temporary, but it will give me a better chance to develop my relationship with You before the inevitable final test.

Now the thing is that I can see that I am just now feeling a wave of enthusiasm, but I know that waves rise & fall. So I want to appeal to You Gopinatha, that through all the ups & downs that are sure to come, please let me hold on to a sense of being Yours, and You being my dearest friend and protector. Although my present level of faith & devotion are like a tiny little sprout—please protect it always from bad weather and predators. I have to depend on You for this, because I am very tiny & helpless. But I know that You want me to come to You (far more than I realise) and actually that is why You are already helping me so much. I want to become more and more conscious of Your love.
                    love, Suci

15/7/03

Dear Gopinatha,

Yesterday I arrived in Melbourne & today I fly home. I didn’t write in this book yesterday—but I did try to spend some time reflecting on the last couple of weeks, and I found it easier to write on the computer.

It was a happy day of meeting old friends and surprising myself by how much affection I feel for them—Ganga, Gandharvika, Acintya Rupa, Lalita Sakhi—and I also spent quite a while with young Juliana who was so pleased to see me.

I felt quite conscious that You arranged this whole stop-over for me, and I felt I was shown something precious & sweet. I pray that I can remember this next time I drop into a hole where I feel “alone in the universe”, and I can chastise myself for forgetting that You have given me the association of devotees! This isn’t ordinary, like mundane friendships that are bound to end in pain, as we are all heading for the same eternal destination, and no matter how rough we are around the edges, we’re living such in such a different state of consciousness to most people in the world.

So I don’t need to be fearful of these relationships. I tried to do a little prayerful reading on the plane—which was difficult because I was feeling so dull—but You pointed me to a verse I have often appreciated (4.10) and it felt fresh with clearer meaning than I had ever experienced before. It is the verse where Prabhupada explains in the purport how attachment, fear & anger are impediments for different people who are too materially engrossed. I was especially struck by the point that fear is connected to fearing the idea that individual personality continues on the spiritual plane. People whose concept of personality is too mundane don’t like the idea & in fact fear it. It’s so interesting that I read this verse, and on the same day experienced that it is not so fearful to be a person and to have relationships—at least spiritual ones. It gives me so much hope to feel that You are actually communicating with me like this, and letting me see that You are. I’m beginning to feel how dynamic it would be to be always living within a sense of relationship with You, as I have been gifted a glimpse of it during this journey.

I am so grateful for this gift Gopinatha, and I don’t want to stop the journey here, but continue all the way back to Your lotus feet in Vraja.

love, Suci

Back at Gopinatha Dham
                17/7/03

Dear Gopinatha,

Why do I feel so reluctant to expose my private thoughts and feelings by writing in these books? It is always a struggle to express myself—and even more so in direct interaction with others.

—I  have a fear of being misunderstood—

Maybe part of it is just a huge pride—a conception that my thoughts & feelings are somehow special—which will be smashed when the things I express are seen to be really ordinary and not at all elevated.

Just now I thought that I don’t want to keep all these misconceptions in place anymore. I am learning to trust that You can remove them if I am willing—just as you kill the demons in Vraja. So I need to pray with intense humility to invite You to kill my demons. I am going to try to chant in this mood. Although there are so many obstructions in my heart—garbage that I have accumulated for millions of lives, I woke up with a little insight: I need to untangle them all in detail—I just need to raise my consciousness to a level that is not touched by all that.

But I can’t raise my own consciousness. The yogis, the jnanis, the karmis, the new-agers all think they can do it by their own efforts, but we know that the only way is learn how to love You, and very quickly You can lift us up—as and when You want to. I need to feel like a simple dependent child, knowing that You will take care of everything. I can try to be in that mentality, but everything is up to You, dear Gopinatha.

love Suci

Journey to Brazil and on. . . .

Sep 28, 2003

Dear Gopinatha,

For so long I have been trying to find security within the material energy, but since there is no security here, I now find myself full of many fears and anxieties, as my so-called shelters are caving in.

This morning I woke up thinking that I really, really want to shift from seeking false security to seeking real security in the form of loving and trusting You alone! This is the real challenge of this journey—to learn to move through seeming danger by taking shelter of You—and not to allow fear & hesitation to overwhelm me.

I am going to need lots of help to really learn this—but I think You are going to help me. . . .
    
        Jai Gopinatha,
                    love Suci

29/9/03    Christchurch    10:45 pm.

(couldn’t write this morning)

30/10/03     10:30 am.

Dear Gopinatha,

I am floundering due to insufficient faith. What shall I do now? Mataji does not want to go on unless I can start dealing with my faithless reactions. I want to Gopinatha—I want to—but I have a deep doubt whether I can. Perhaps it is because I cannot—by myself at least. I have to depend on Your help. I have to know and accept that I am helpless. Even this is a struggle. And there is a contradictory desire still prominent—that I want to be comfortable and in control in this world. But I want to give that up now. I have to. You are not leaving me any other choice—yet I still kick & struggle. Am I too much of a rascal for You to reform?

Extra loose page:

The thought crosses my mind, “Maybe by next Vyasa-puja day you won’t be here any more.”

Immediately a wave of emotion rises and I start crying—but I feel stupid that the feeling is only sentimental, not deep. Mataji says sentimental can become deep. So I shouldn’t reject it.

I guess it is my intelligent side that comes up and objects—I always feel bad when such sentimentality is triggered by a sad movie or a children’s play or things like that that aren’t really deep. But this situation really is heavy. So I am allowed feelings.

I think I am afraid to go deeper into such emotions, because the pain of the whole universe seems to be lying there—and will completely overwhelm me if I go too close. But what happens if I refuse to look at it? By being unconscious to it, it manifests in a different way to give me pain—in my body.
I feel stupid—when I get emotional I feel like I am being stupid—a very negative, masculine judgement. I can’t immediately stop that—but I’m starting to recognise it—which is a good start.

It is weird to think of the world just going on—but I’m not part of it any more. The same people will be doing the same things—daily, weekly, yearly events will continue, but I will just be an occasional memory—for a little time only—then no-one will remember me any more. . . .

Why is that so distressing—I guess it makes me wonder what is my real value in the present then? If everything I think of as me is to be extinguished then what value does it have even now? The challenge is to find that which is beyond the influence of time, and start to identify with that.

Philosophically we also say this—everything within material time will be destroyed, it has no lasting existence and is therefore counted as asat. Without substance—but am so attached to all these asat things that even the thought of losing them (which I would normally avoid thinking about, but which my current situation forces into my face) is so distressing. So here I am, a conditioned jiva—bound up in a network of many attachments.

The connection with guru is supposed to be beyond the jurisdiction of time—can I feel that? Can I ACCESS that? Gopinatha—I need to find this—for both diksa and siksa-gurus. I need now a shelter beyond time—also the holy name, and my relationship with You, Gopinatha. I need to be able to experience these as different from all the other things that I am going to lose. So I have to pray and chant with this need in the foreground.

 

Vrindavana Reflections

A letter from Jagattarini Mataji describing a conversation she had with Sucirani about one month before she passed away:

Today we are reading together. Sucirani is lying on the bed in the verandah upstairs of Banke’s new house. The stone polishing men downstairs are creating a lot of noise. Yet somehow we will try to share some thoughts.

Suci recalls: “A few days after coming back from Govardhan I was feeling more and more overwhelmed by my distressful condition and feeling that I couldn’t cope. Then you came to see me and talked about the need to depend on Gopinath rather than on my own strength. And I recognized that I completely lost the plot. I could see that I absolutely had nothing like the capacity to deal with my own circumstances. I have no capacity on my own. It was really painful to realize how much I had lost contact with the urgent need for mercy. Then a little later Ananda suggested that we should walk to the temple for darsana. And I didn’t feel as if I had the strength to do it. So I prayed to my Gopinath that I can’t do it, but if You can please carry me or if you can. . . .”

Suci lies eyes closed, thinking for a word.

“. . . or if you can enable me to do it, if You want.

“So I set out thinking that this isn’t my strength, but by letting go of trying to do it myself enough energy came by Gopinath’s mercy. I had to repeatedly remind myself when I felt that everything is too hard, that it’s OK. You are not doing it. And somehow we got there and took darsana of the Deities and came back. I felt I got a little glimpse of a different way of coping.

Question: “Have you had this before?”

“Yes, in Brazil. When we first arrived there I was so frightened and didn’t know what to expect. I thought I would have to face something horrible. I had no idea of how I was going to get through it. Then an arrangement was made for me to lie down in the infirmary. I was listening to kirtana in earphones and facing the fact that I was about to go through something that was impossible for me to do deal with. And yet it was clear that there was no alternative to going forward and through it. There was no other avenue of escape. So in my heart there was a tiny gesture of surrender. I accepted that I had to go through it and I became calm. Up to that I felt very much that Gopinath carried me through in a way that was very different from my expectations.”